Thursday, September 13, 2012

Is it just a dream?

Lately, I have noticed that the way I look at babies is different. I no longer see a baby and picture one in my future. I long for a child, but when I think of the family I would love to have it does not seem reachable. It feels like exactly what it has been for so long - a dream. A family is something I see in my mind and feel in my heart, but doesn't seem attainable any more. I'm not saying it won't happen, and God willing this IVF will be successful, but after attempting to conceive for so long it is much harder to believe. Couples who are in the beginning stages of trying to conceive see children and they smile. They look at babies and blissfully dream of their life with a child in the near future. When they see things like baby clothes, stuffed animals, and cribs they 'ooh' and 'ahh' over the cuteness. I cringe. I fight back the tears. I sigh, look away, and keep moving. In fact, writing this is causing me to tear up. I hold my friends' children and my heart longs to hold my own baby in my arms. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friend's kids. They are so special and each unique in their own way. Matt and I treasure the times we get to babysit. I don't want it to sound like it hurts me to be around them, because it doesn't. My heart - and my arms - just want more. Commercials make me cry, both happy and sad tears; the same happens when I see certain movies or a TV show. Sometimes I become angry. Sometimes I become bitter. And yes, there are days I am jealous. My emotions are complicated and the contant flux of hormones in my body do not help. To be honest, I do not always know quite how to feel. At times I am thankful for this because of the good (and yes - there has been some good) things that have occured because of this. I except what is and I know there is nothing I can do about our circumstances. It was the cards we were dealt and there is nothing either one of us could have done to change it. But is my dream of having a child just that .. a dream? I hope not. The longer it takes though, the further my dream of having a family seems from reality. Because it doesn't feel like part of my reality.

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