Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Root of My Heartache

     Today, like every other day, I prayed. I was driving in my car, pouring my heart out to God, and really 'talking it out' with Him. Now, don't get me wrong, I talk to God and express myself all the time, but there are many occasions when I 'hold back' a bit. As most people in my world know by now, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes it is helpful and sometimes it back-fires on me. That's just part of who I am and I have to own that part of me proudly. I have expressed my pain and frustration on here, and in other forms, on numerous occasions, but I'm not sure if I have ever really put into words the deepest reason for my hurt. I have mentioned anger and bitterness before - both of which do no good for one's heart - but there is a root to it. I want to write this out because it is true. When I get angry with God and when I feel down and, perhaps, hopeless, it is not for a lack of faith. It is because of my faith. It is because I believe in miracles. It is because I really, truly, deeply, believe. I believe in the power of God with all of my heart. I know what God can do, and I have seen Him work. I have witnessed miracles. I've been asked before if I'm praying hard enough. Really? I have regularly sobbed to God on my hands and knees and cried out to Him. I know that if God wanted to He could take all of this pain and misery away from me in an instant. He could heal my body, and Matt's, and we could conceive a child with no intervention at all if He wanted that to happen. He could regulate my hormones and heal my medical issues; He could open up my blocked tubes; He could heal Matt; He could do any and all of it. He could have saved us from the years of heartache that we have experienced, or at least put an end to it by now. He could have made me a mother and Matt a father. But He hasn't. Why? And that's where I begin to question myself. Am I doing something wrong? Am I being punished? He has laid on my heart these intense desires and I am continuing to follow where my heart is lead, but I'm still waiting. I watch those in sin obtain our dream and I feel slapped in the face. And some of those same people have made comments wondering when I am going to 'give this up'. Who are they to say such hurtful things? We will never give up. As I cried today, I thought more about my life in particular. I, myself, am a miracle. My parents waited 9 long years and endured a lot of pain before they had me. Why? I was obviously born when I was for a reason. If they went through all of that to wait for me, then what am I meant to do? Am I accomplishing anything? I must be meant for something (as everyone is), but what is that? I feel God has big plans for Matt and I, and maybe He has something big planned for our future child(ren). I'm waiting, and waiting, but maybe the waiting has nothing to do with me. Maybe it has more to do with the future. I still can't help but feel hurt some days. I know that I do not make the calls, but haven't we had enough? My God can do anything. I say again, I believe in miracles and my faith is huge. God is real. So those are where my emotions are really coming from. They don't come from a lack of hope or not having enough faith in what is possible. Those emotions come from my deep seeded faith in my Savior who I know can make anything happen. I'll continue to believe that. Something big is going to come from this -- I have to stick by that and I will. I'm not waving a white flag and surrendering yet, because God is not done with me. He wants me to fight.

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